sábado, 22 de agosto de 2009

Manual de etiqueta para el comportamiento pertinente en situaciones diversas (o manual de urbanidad de la vida posmoderna) (1)

Comportamiento en encuentros con personas que alguna vez tuvieron vínculos emocionales con usted (y que tuviesen mal término de relaciones)

Siempre sucede. Está usted en una fiesta, una reunión social o parrillada de carne de caprinos –chivos, en lenguaje coloquial- y siempre, SIEMPRE está allí. ESA persona. No, no puede ignorarla, usted sabe que él o ella entraron por esa puerta. Usted empieza a sudar como cerdo al borde del sacrificio, sus pupilas se vuelven similares a las de un gato y mira para todos lados, en búsqueda de un refugio visual que le aparte la vista de aquella persona. Pero…usted no quiere un refugio visual, usted quiere mirar a su objetivo como águila cazadora, mira al/la infeliz y se fija en cada uno de sus gestos, en su maña de agarrarse el pelo cuando se muerde la boca o sus titubeos de habla, o esa asquerosísima manera de sonarse la nariz en público y creer que es adorable. O también puede darse el nada incomún caso de haber sido usted la víctima, ese/esa bastardo le hizo daño, le arrancó el corazón, lo escupió y se lo dio de comer a los lobos feroces de Siberia. “¡Putísima eres, zorra de Babilonia!” o “¡Pene de maní!” son los pensamientos que navegan por su mente. No se preocupe, aquí le daremos ayuda a cómo comportarse sin perder la etiqueta.
Si usted fue el afectado…

  • Evite, a toda costa, mirar a la persona que lo afectó. Sí, sabemos que quisiera tener un destructor telepático de cabezas, pero ya sabe que éstos todavía están siendo desarrollados por los japoneses. Mientras los fabrican, cálmese.

  • Jamás inicie usted la conversación. Parecerá desesperado, hambriento como niño etiope. Espere a que el/la desgraciado(a) se acerque.

  • Si el/la desgraciado(a) mencionado anteriormente se acerca y de hecho saluda, usted salude con la sonrisa más complaciente del planeta, la sonrisa que diga “Hey, estoy ganando más que tú, tengo una casa gigantesca, estoy saliendo con Barbie/Ken y estoy recibiendo todo lo que no pudiste darme”, claro, todo disimuladamente. Aunque todo lo último sea una total mentira y de hecho esté viviendo en casa de sus padres todavía, entretenga a niños como modo de ganarse el pan –y le paguen peor que al conserje de su edificio-, y esté saliendo con su gato llamado “Ken” o “Barbie”.

  • Si la persona se queda compartiendo –evadiendo- su espacio personal por más de 10 segundos, eso da pies a una conversación. Use las frases predeterminadas de small talk, como le dicen los estadounidenses, “¿Qué es de tu vida?”, “¿Cómo están en tu casa?” “¡Deberíamos reunirnos de nuevo” (lo último, sabemos bien, jamás sucederá y si sucede, será por coincidencias similares a la que se está mencionando en este momento y allí tendrá que sacar esta guía de nuevo).

  • Sus respuestas al small talk deben ser similares a la de la sonrisa que dio en el saludo. Para más detalles, volver al consejo número tres.

  • Jamás y nunca, ¿entiende? ¡NUNCA! evada. Eso dará pie a que la persona piense que usted está afectado por su presencia y le levantará el ego.

    Si usted fue el afectador...

  • Váyase del sitio. Hay muchos lugares donde infelices como usted son aceptados (prostíbulos, casas de citas, la asamblea, la presidencia, bancos, institutos preescolares entre otros).

  • Es en serio, no se quede.
¡Hasta la próxima entrada del "Manual de etiqueta para el comportamiento pertinente en situaciones diversas (o manual de urbanidad de la vida posmoderna)"!


-Señorita Lady Regina Van Kampfestendoggenfelden, viuda de Cabeza de Vaca.

111 comentarios:

Aitana Luna dijo...

jajajajaja gurl, you crack me up!! Disfruté particularmente: a) los destructores telepáticos de cabezas desarrollados por los japoneses, b) el niño etiope hambriento (cruel, I know, pero la comparación me pareció divertida), c)"tendrá que sacar esta guía de nuevo", d) hay muchos lugares donde infelices como usted son aceptados (con especial énfasis en "la presidencia" yyyyy d) en serio, no se quede.
Leer lo que escribes siempre es un placer. :-D. Yose.

Sota dijo...

Querida Lady Regina Van Kampfestendoggenfelden, viuda de Cabeza de Vaca:
La importuno para hacerle una consulta: ¿cuál es la conducta apropiada si el afectador se abalanza sobre el afectado para darle un ósculo (o beso, que también se le dice) a modo de saludo?
Gracias de antemano por sus sabios consejos.

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